My memoir "The Green-Eyed Queen of Deborgia- A Not So Royal life begins: I began lying at the age of seven and stopped at the age of fifty-three. What was the beginning of my fables, and what was the end of my tales?
It is not that I was a pathological liar, but I lied in many instances for survival and fear of abandonment. A traumatic event began the cycle of lies, and a traumatic event put a end to the lies and deception.
What is not captured in our wedding photos is the heavy heart and anxiety of deception. Most everyone at our wedding, including my daughters, did not know at the time that my husband Chris would be going away to prison for a white-collar offense. The weeks and days leading up to our wedding, I would hold my breath, hoping that my daughters would not discover our secret. I only wanted to enjoy a joyous celebration of love and family. In hindsight, I was selfish in not telling my daughters about Chris's offense. I knew I would tell them but at the "right time" meaning when I would be brave enough. I took from them the ability to show me the women they are and the love they have for their mother. I took their free will to choose to love and support us on our wedding day or not.
It was a day two months after our wedding, and one month before my husband was to self-report to federal prison that my house of cards came tumbling down. It was the phone call that I hoped to avoid by being courageous enough to tell my daughters that Chris would be going to prison for wire fraud. Chris and I were in the car wash when my phone rang, and I saw it was my daughter calling. I had that sudden nauseous feeling in my stomach, and my heart was in my throat. I knew without answering the call that she knew.
I waited to finish going through the car wash before returning the call. I needed to collect myself. Her voice sweet as she answered and a certain calmness as she asked me if I knew what was going on with Chris. I immediately responded with a resounding, yes. After that, I think I spoke at the speed of light, trying to tell the whole story and maintain hope that everything will be okay. Everything was not okay, and it was going to be a long road ahead of me trying to repair the damage I caused by not being bold and authentic in telling my truth.
Have you ever felt a feeling of such despair and darkness that you did not know if you could muster the energy to drag your body through the dark tunnel to find light and hope? A mother should be her daughter's example of character—someone they would want to emulate. I disappointed my daughters and lost their trust. I could have filled the Grand Canyon with the number of tears I shed. I eventually ended my self-absorbed pity party, put on my big girl panties, and went to work to earn back my daughter's respect, trust, and devotion.
Today is Chris and my fourth wedding anniversary, and the last anniversary we will spend apart. Chris has faced his consequences with dignity and courage. The hard work he has put in for redemption and in him becoming an even better person allows him to lay his head down at night with peace and wake up in the morning, liking the person he sees in the mirror.
I have faced my consequences with grit and have learned that truth is healing, and deceit is fatal. I have discovered my purpose by facing my past.
" I dedicate my first post to Crystal, Justine, and Shelby. Without them even knowing it, they helped me to find my way and my voice I love them with all I have."